Tales Of An Urban Yogini

A Chicago yogini's journey through teacher training and life in general

If you bend too far, you might break

If you’ve followed current yoga news for a while (or at least the past year and some change,) chances are you’ve heard of John Friend. And the scandal (oh, the scandal…) If you HAVEN’T heard about it, a quick Google search yields article after article after article, a few of which I’ve linked to, so I’m not going to go into detail, nor am I going to proselytize. I have never had any connection to either Friend or his school of yoga, the now-relatively defunct Anusara, so I have no personal bias, but what I read didn’t sit very well with me. Any teacher in a position of authority has a responsibility to not cross certain boundaries and Friend, as such a public figure, and for goodness sake, a yogi, could possibly have been held to a higher moral standard. (Am I getting preachy? I’ll stop. Just wanted to offer a little context.)

At any rate, this video and article: “John Friend’s Advanced Variations of the Roots: First Set” appeared in my news feed from online source Yoganonymous (love you guys!) Naturally, I was curious and clicked to see what this Roots series looked like. And this is what it looked like:

Ouch

Ouch

I’m not gonna lie to you, it made me uncomfortable. There didn’t seem to be any rationale or intelligence to the asanas. There’s the “full extension of the pose” but, this was something else altogether. It felt like a contortionist act and it made me fear for the spinal columns of less flexible practitioners, who attempt to emulate this craziness. Again, another example thrown out there for the uninitiated who think they have to BE contortionists to “do yoga” or “be good at yoga.” It just seemed a little ridiculous.

What do you think?

 

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Look Ma, Two Hands!

jason crandell

This past weekend, I had the good fortune of studying with Jason Crandell at Moksha Yoga Chicago. I first became familiar with him last year when I embarked on a Yoga Journal 21 Day Challenge. They had a variety of different instructors, but I always particularly enjoyed his online classes. He seemed very no-nonsense and accessible. I was more than happy to find out that he’s a really great teacher in person, as well. He’s got a great sense of humor and I definitely learned some invaluable arm balance tips (it was an arm balance workshop.)

Jason first started out with a story about how with all of his traveling to different countries, he decided he wanted to learn different languages, German, Japanese, Spanish, etc…Then, he realized that he actually didn’t want to LEARN those languages, he wanted to KNOW them. I found that to be very timely with my last post about handstand. I don’t want to learn it, I just want to be standing on my darn hands, already! He stressed that it isn’t the outcome that’s important, but the process leading up to it. Just because we work really hard, doesn’t mean we will always nail an asana, but once we step back, deconstruct, question, and approach it intelligently, we’ll make more progress. Love it.

We then went on to learn four different versions of vasisthasana. Confession, I am no fan of vasisthasana, so again, my ego kicked in as the versions got progressively more difficult and my ability to maintain my balance decreased. Oh well, at least I gave it the ol’ college try! I have a feeling in order to make peace with vasi, I’m going to have to spend a little more time with it. Again, I want to KNOW how to do it and do it flawlessly without having to work at it. Patience, grasshopper…

After we went through the vasisthasana segment, we moved on to bakasana. He told us a great story about how he doesn’t interact with his Facebook page very much, but one of his friends who works at Facebook helped him understand some measurement about what kinds of asana photos people respond most favorably to. More advanced asana didn’t perform terribly well, but bakasana was a winner. The logic behind this is that bakasana  at first appears difficult, but is ultimately accessible.

I remember my first yoga class when the teacher demonstrated it for us and I just turned to my friend and, pardon my French, said, “no fucking way.” Lo and behold, a few months later, I was in bakasana and haven’t looked back since.

We learned three different versions, two I nailed, one…not so much, but I did get close! I was quite pleased with the workshop! And, at the end, he again reminded us that it’s more important to focus on the action than the outcome. So, I am going to keep slowly working on my arm balances and skip the stress part of not being perfect.

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Good At Yoga

Since my “graduation” from teacher training a week ago, I’ve gratefully accepted congrats from friends and colleagues. Very  heartwarming. However, this exchange inevitably leads to, “I would like to do yoga, but I’m not good at it.” Le sigh. But, it’s my task, nee mission, to let people know that asana, advanced asana, is only a tiny part of this massive moving organism that is yoga. Unfortunately, I’m still guilty of wishing I was “good at yoga.”

Case in point, I was in a particularly challenging class the other night. My normal vinyasa 2-3 class, with this particular teacher, is usually only very fast-paced, ashtanga-style, which presents its own set of challenges  when my old rotator cuff injury sparks up sometime after my tenth chaturanga. This class, however,  was very top-loaded with arm balance variations, forearm balances, handstands, full iterations of eka pada rajakapotasana, “advanced poses” etc…All well and good, but here’s where my ego gets in the way.

I can’t do a handstand. I can’t do the full form of eka pada rajakoptasana, there are a lot of things that I can’t do (yet?) And it still makes me a little sad.  For a long time, I felt like it was the one barrier between me and full yoga teacher-hood. I wanted to dive into the world of yoga teaching a few years ago, but I was worried that I wasn’t “good at yoga.” At that point, asana was my main focus (and I know I’m not alone!) All I saw was photos of yogis who were, as I imagined, “good at yoga.” Fortunately, over the years, the more I studied and made pranayama and meditation a more substantial part of my practice, I realized that asana wasn’t the end-all-be-all. Even more reassuring, I have had the good fortune to work with teachers who inform the students that there is no “good at yoga.” That you could spend the entire ninety minutes of class, in child’s pose on your mat and you are still practicing yoga!

A few days after that class, I brought my handstand conflict up to one of my yoga teacher friends (ooh, I love that I can call them yoga teachers instead of yoga teacher trainees!!) This particular yogini informed me that she’s been working on hers for THREE YEARS (this woman is quite adept at her physical practice, so the knowledge that she didn’t just kick up one day was very reassuring.) And then she reminded me that it’s the practice, the journey, that’s important.

Of course, the other extremely crucial element that I somehow manage to forget is that I actually have to PUT IN THE WORK. I’m not quite sure where I got the idea that by practicing vinyasa for a few years, I would all of a sudden be the next Kathryn Budig, who looks as comfortable on her hands as I feel on my feet. I actually have to work on the damn poses and if I don’t, I can’t feel sad that I’m not rocking pincha mayurasana in the middle of the room. I’m a quick one, right?

That said, while I still battle my ego, at least I am aware of the absurdity. I do feel that it is my duty to remind myself and others that there is no “good at yoga.”

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Post SF Yoga Journal

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Oh, I have been so lax with the blog the past 2 weeks! So, here’s my little update. I flew to San Francisco on January 19th. As always, I really loved being there. The weather was a very, very pleasant departure from the winter chill of Chicago. Apparently, I missed out on some single digit temps. Can’t say I’m sad about that. In SF, it was sunny and 60-64. Perfect.

I was staying in lower Nob Hill (or technically, the TenderNob – what a terrible name!) Fortunately, it was a very pleasant, mostly downhill walk to the Hyatt Embarcadero where the conference was held. I attended a Sunday afternoon session with Gary Kraftsow: “Meditation, Contemplation, and Transformation.” Then, an all-day intensive with Mr. Kraftsow on Monday: “Evidence-Based Viniyoga Therapy for Stress Management.” Both sessions were incredible. He’s a very, very interesting man and a captivating speaker. Having studied with both Krishnamacharya and Desikachar from the age of 19…what can I say, he’s the real deal.  There was very little actual asana practice, but we did several pranayama, meditation and chanting exercises. I have become incredibly enamored of chanting in the past few months, so it was right up my alley.

I think one of the things I most appreciated hearing was that “yoga is not asana.” Obviously, that’s part of it, but there is SOOO much more. I think in the West, so much focus is placed on asana that the rest gets neglected. Gary told us about how people talk about how they practice yoga, and they also meditate. As if they’re separate. And they’re not. Meditation IS part of yoga. And a wonderful part, at that!

The most fascinating exercise we did involved langhana and brahmana, along with chanting. First we were told to think of something that caused us stress or anxiety. Once we captured that thought, we were told to really feel it, evoke those uncomfortable emotions. Then, we started the pranayama practice, as Gary chanted. We repeated a pattern of inhale/retain, exhale/sustain. I have to admit, I was seriously uncomfortable. I am no stranger to long inhales and exhales, but the retain/sustain parts were no fun. After several minutes of this, we were told to return to a more neutral/slight ujayi breath, while we did a guided meditation. Then, we were asked to summon that emotion we felt at the beginning of the exercise.

This is the amazing part…it was gone. All the emotion and stress I felt the first time I conjured the memory (and it was a super fresh one…something that had actually occurred about an hour earlier) was GONE. I was able to visualize the event without any sentiment attached. And even now, 10 days later…nothing. I’m a believer.

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I’m doing yoga in my dreams

alarm clocks kill dreams

I’d like to stay dreaming just a little longer…

I’ve suffered from insomnia for as long as I can remember. Not the kind where I can’t fall asleep, but it seems that I can’t STAY asleep. I’ve gone through periods of months where I’ve woken up every night at 2 a.m., finally falling asleep just in time for my alarm to go off. To further compound this problem, I’m a ridiculously light sleeper. Tiny bit of light from the alarm clock? I swear I can see it through my eyelids. Dust settling on the nightstand? Yep, I can hear it.

While I see no major bright side to this situation, I have to say I’ve noticed an interesting side effect. When I’m finally able to return to sleep, my dreams get weird. My dreams are normally weird,  but these last minutes-before-waking dreams are nuts. I’ve also taken the time, in those lying awake hours to mentally run through a yoga class sequence…the alignment cues I’d give, the order in which I’d arrange the asana, the filler explanations. In a way, it’s kind of neat, in another, I just want to sleep, already!

That brings me to this morning’s pre-alarm clock dream. I was doing handstands. Lots of them, and very easily. In normal life, I cannot do an unsupported handstand and it’s been years since I’ve even kicked up to the wall (I have some unconquered fear of being upside down. I’m cool with headstands, but handstand makes me nervous. My palms sweat just thinking about it.) These handstand dreams have recurred with greater frequency the past few months. I’ve probably had 5 or 6 handstand dreams in that time period. I think these dreams are the greatest dreams I could have. I need to figure out a way to channel the confidence and ease I have in these dreams to real life. I love dreaming about yoga.

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What holds people back from trying yoga?

and breathe….

The other day, I was out with some friends and since I can’t help talking about yoga, I started talking about….wait for it…wait for it…yoga. I have no self-control. At any rate, one of the girls had just started practicing with some friends who are also in yoga teacher training (not at my studio…) Turns out, she likes it! I’d been trying for a few years to get her to go. Although I wasn’t the one to finally get her there, I’m glad she has. Just trying to spread the yoga love.  Now that she’s enjoying it, we then started strong-arming our other friend to give it a whirl. She’s got injuries that will need to be modified, but seems slightly game.

Then, we started talking about why people are so reluctant to take that first class? What’s holding them back? This is a topic that came up during our first teacher training session. The consensus was that a lot of people mistakenly believe that yoga is some weird religion, one that doesn’t jive with their own belief system. This is an argument I will save for another day. For the record, I adhere to no religion, a personal choice I made decades ago.

While we were discussing whether or not yoga was religious and the many ways it isn’t and the hows and the whys, I started thinking about the reasons that inhibited me from trying even though I’d been fascinated for years. Religion was not a factor in my decision. However, one of the items at the top of the list was that I just didn’t look like a Yoga Journal cover model, which is the most outward facing picture of yoga that many people have. For one, I physically did not resemble these women and two, I didn’t know what the hell I would wear. I didn’t own any cute yoga clothes. And, once I got past the shallow appearance-based part of my fear, I couldn’t even fathom how my body could contort itself. There’s no way I could put my leg behind my head. Or balance on my arms. And surely, I would be horribly out-of-place in classes if I couldn’t do these things, right?

The secret that nobody told me is that these yogis, these perfect-bodied, flawlessly posed yogis aren’t really the norm. After I started taking classes, there was usually only one, maybe two who came close to this stereotypical ideal. Instead, I was surrounded by people of all levels of ability. Some who were skinnier than me, some heavier, older, younger, more flexible, less flexible, stronger…What was I worried about? I fit in just fine.

And then the second secret (which really isn’t so much a secret, but what I didn’t take time to consider) was, most of these yogis started out exactly where I did and only through due diligence of hard work and practice, practice, practice were they able to conquer some pretty impressive asana (which isn’t even the most important part of yoga.) Granted, you’ve got your former dancers who come to yoga post-injury or to de-stress and they come armed with impressive flexibility, but I believe the majority of people start out as terrifically average human beings who just want to learn.

To come full circle with my now seemingly endless endorsement of yoga, I’m still continually met with people who share those same fears that I had…that yoga is something they just can’t do.  And that’s just not true.

As a yoga teacher (in training), I just wish I could shout it from the rooftops that you don’t have to be perfect. You’re not expected or required to perform fancy postures. It’s all just this deeply personal, marvelous, unfolding process. The gains you get from moving with intention and mastering the breath through pranayama are worth more than any no-hands, headstand.

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34 Days Til the Yoga Journal Conference in San Francisco

34 Days Til the Yoga Journal Conference in San Francisco

Ooh, I’m so very excited about this! A) I love yoga, b) I love San Francisco. We’ve got a massive win/win situation here!

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I Challenge You To A….Downward Dog? (from jello arms to yoga teacher training)

yoga

yoga (Photo credit: GO INTERACTIVE WELLNESS)

After over a decade of working in various advertising, media, PR and related fields, I decided this past September to enroll in a 200 hour Teacher Training program at Nature Yoga.

This was a decision that was years in the making. After taking my first yoga class in 2006 at (the now defunct in Chicago) Crunch gym, I was hooked. Seriously hooked. At the time, I was working at a media agency and one of our health magazine clients came into our office every week for a month to give us tips on nutrition, fitness, and health. Those of us who participated in her program received free passes to Crunch as incentives to (join the gym) get in shape. One of the trainers was a woman I had worked with a few years earlier, and I knew she knew a thing or two about fitness, she was a seriously ripped little woman. So, when she told us that if there was ONE thing we REALLY needed to do during the program, it should be to try a yoga class, I thought, “Eh, why not?”

I’d always been a little fascinated by yoga and, not to brag, had dabbled in it a little myself when I was a small child, along with my mom and Lilias Folan, who was the Queen of Yoga on PBS in the 70′s (oh, I didn’t mean to date myself…) But, decades later, I never really thought to seek it out on my own.

Armed with this “challenge” from my trainer, a colleague and I made a date to hit one of the Crunch yoga classes over lunch. My first observation was that there was an interesting mix of people in the class, young gym rats, middle-aged people, nearly as many men as women. I situated myself in the back near a woman I gauged to be in about her late 50s. Seemed like a safe enough situation, surely I wouldn’t feel out-of-place next to this nonYoga Journal cover model.

Gads, I was so, so wrong. The class seriously kicked my ass. When I was in downward dog, my arms were shaking like crazy. When it came time to lower down into chaturanga, I basically belly-flopped. Holding warrior was like trying to walk a tightrope. There was very little balance to be had. All I could think was…THIS is yoga? What happened to the gentle stretching? I’ve always been fairly flexible, so I assumed it would be a cakewalk. By the end of class, I wasn’t quite sure what hit me and I was a little humbled by my lack of strength/balance, but somehow….I felt AWESOME.

I remember turning to the older woman next to me, who was firmly holding her down dogs – no shaky arms there – and fully in control of her chaturanga. “Does this EVER get easier?” I asked her. She replied, “It does if you stick with it.” CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! It also didn’t hurt that my colleague was similarly in awe of the difficulty, yet awesomeness, of this experience. So, we went back…over and over and over. Soon, my noon-time yoga class was the absolute high point of my days. And over time, those downward dogs stopped being shaky.

And that was basically the genesis of my love of yoga. Eventually, I started not just physically practicing, but reading about it any chance I could. I bought DVD’s to practice with at home when I couldn’t make it to the gym/studio. I purchased books that offered more insight from experienced yogis. I researched the Sanskrit names of the poses. I checked out different studios. I busted out warrior in the elevator when no one was looking.

Over the years, I’ve ebbed and flowed in terms of commitment and ability. There were times when I practiced every day and periods of injury where my mat grew dusty for months at a time. I still feel guilty periodically when I think about those down times. Sometimes my ego berates me for not having practiced consistently enough that I am able to just fling myself into scorpion pose (although, I feel like my rotator cuff injury may have nixed that particular pose for me…) at moment’s notice.

And honestly, the single largest reason I had only wistfully entertained the notion of yoga teacher training for a few years is that I felt like I needed to be perfect at it. But, let’s get real here…I’m never going to be a Yoga Journal cover model. I’m not getting any younger and with that realization, I need to accept that perhaps I never will be able to do scorpion pose. But y’know what? That’s OK! What I lack in sheer gymnastic ability, I make up for in passion. Besides, asana is merely one little teeny tiny bit of yoga. If I can teach even a few people here and there the things I’ve learned along the way, mission accomplished!

I’m so very glad I made the decision to pursue teacher training. It has been an amazing experience and dare I say, life-changing?

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My Mat

Happy little travel mat

Happy little travel mat

Oh, I know this is exciting stuff, but every yogi/ni practices on some sort of surface, and most western yogi/nis practice on a mat. I had 3 mats prior to my most recent birthday, now I have 4, with the addition of the Manduka Eko SuperLite Travel Mat. I have used it several times since and I enjoy it for the most part. I can vouch that it lives up to its name. It is indeed a lite travel mat (2 lbs, but FOLDABLE!!) I love that I can chuck it in my backpack, which is very handy, as I travel via public transit in Chicago. Nothing like constantly bumping into people with a regular rolled up mat. Also, I work in an office and there’s something that makes me feel horribly guilty when I’m leaving at the end of the day…with a yoga mat. It just makes me feel like a slacker. I’m sure I should get over that.

Ok, onto the pros and cons.

Pros:

  • Sticky surface (unless you’re sweating, in which case, there’s a little slippage)
  • Did I mention foldable? Love.
  • Nice colors
  • Full size mat

Cons:

  • Oh, the rubber smell…I can’t wait til it wears off. Til then, I was reminded to think of happy rubber trees instead of toxic plastics.
  • Very thin (not a horrible con, unless you like a thicker mat. I usually throw mine on top of the studio mats, which is a great idea because I don’t like having my face on someone’s foot funk when I’m in child’s pose.)
  • Slightly slippery when wet

All in all, I’m very happy with my new mat!

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Ahimsa!

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I toyed with titling my blog, “Searching or Ahimsa,” and that is exactly what I’ve been working on the past few months.  Quite literally, ahimsa means “non-violence” or “compassion” and often we apply that to mean that we shouldn’t harm others, which of course is common sense…right?  But what about ourselves? We can apply ahimsa to ourselves, which was something that I hadn’t really considered before. I imagined it as something that only applied to my interaction with others.

(A little background,  in the yogic tradition, ahimsa is the first of 10  ’yamas’ in the eight limbs of yoga as presented by Patanjali in the Yoga Sutras. The yamas are a series of ethical guidelines, similar in nature to the Ten Commandments.)

I think most people are in agreement that non-violence and compassion towards others is ethically very important.  But how often do we contemplate the violence we inflict upon ourselves? Think about how many times we let negative thoughts pervade our minds? That inner dialogue can be harshly critical, “I’m not good enough,” “I suck at (insert item here),”  ”I’m too fat.” We also practice violence towards our physical bodies by not getting enough sleep, eating the wrong foods, drinking too much, smoking…oh, there’s a myriad of ways.

Once I started grasping that I needed to start living a more yogic life (and not just in the sense that I regularly practice asana, which is only one small part of the bigger picture), I became more aware of the ways in which I engaged in destructive thoughts and awareness has been the first step. It’s been about a month since I’ve been actively practicing ahimsa and I continually notice subtle changes in the way I have been treating myself and how I mentally treat others. I feel like it’s made a major difference in my frustration level. Hanging onto those negative thoughts are really destructive and I have no space in my life for that.

I’m sure practicing ahimsa will be a lifelong endeavor, but it’s a challenge I’m more than willing to live with.

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