This song has made it to my super duper repeat playlist. I run to it, I listen to it while I’m working, I turn it on and sing along with it, regardless of the fact that I’m pretty much a shower-quality singer. It’s very relevant to both my absence from blogging and the path my life is taking.
My last entry was a little vague, but I’m in a major transition phase in my life. I’m going in the direction I want, but not exactly on my timeline. I told a yoga teacher mentor of mine that I had this plan to leave my corporate job at the end of the year because I frankly need to save money to pay the bills (and maybe if I admit it to myself, a little scared to do something different, even if it IS what I want.) I was very insistent that this was the way my plan NEEDED TO WORK, in order to work. She kept asking me why my plan was so set in stone? Could I deviate from it? My response was, “no, this is how it needs to be.” Yep, not exactly how it turned out.
So, perhaps I willed the change, but here I am, on my own, trying to figure out how to make it all work. I’ve learned during this period that I need to be OPEN TO EVERYTHING. It’s so easy to define yourself by the job you’ve been doing (in my case over a decade.) Now I need to relearn who I am apart from that particular situation. In yoga, we call these old patterns samskaras and I’m on the journey to break free from mine.
As for the title of this post, I’m relating to my buddies in Maximo Park (figurative buddies) when they say, “I’m going missing for a while, I’ve got nothing left to lose.” I feel like I’m taking a break from the self that I know myself to be to get to the next me. Part of that process has been pulling back a bit, which being super type-A was hard to do, but I’m learning.